So, You Want to Lose Weight?

Person labeled “1” is a certified dietitian assisting someone labeled “2”, who comes in to figure out on how to lose 50 pounds in one week… Yes. This is serious.

1: So, you want to lose weight?

2: Yes. I want to start thinking about eating more healthier, so that I may look more pleasant for my body standards.

1: Okay. Then let’s start to talk about what your usual meal diet is, so that I may suggest some changes to helping you not gain as much weight. Can you start off by telling me what you ate yesterday?

2: I didn’t eat very much yesterday…

1: Okay, but can you still tell me what you’ve ate yesterday? Like can you start from when you’ve woke up?

2: Well, I got up. Then after that, I had to get ready for work. I’ve had to drink 5 cups of coffee every morning, because I just feel that exhausted.

1: Whoa, wait! Did you say…5 cups of coffee?

2: Yes. You heard me right.

1: …That seems a lot of coffee to consume for just one morning… What type of coffee was it?

2: Umm…I think it was light roast? That’s healthy, right?

1: Well, the argument between whether light or dark roast is healthier is debatable, but I don’t think that having 5 cups of coffee at once is so good for your body-

2: Oh no. I didn’t have it all at once. This was throughout the day.

1: Oh, alright. But still, it is inconsiderably not good for your body to drink that much in quantity… Then what did you have after the coffee?

2: Well, I had a bagel.

1: Oh, that’s good choice for a quantity of required daily grains. What type of bagel was this?

2: It was just a bagel. It was a plain one.

1: Okay. Did you have anything with it.

2: Cream cheese. You can’t have a bagel without cream cheese!

1: It’s arguable on what additives people prefer more than other people, but that is okay. Now tell me. How many bagels did you eat?

2: Just one.

1: And what size was this bagel?

2: What?

1: I asked what size was this bagel?

2: I don’t know. It was a bagel; it was bagel sized.

1: Okay, then let me rephrase this question. Could you estimate on what size this bagel was? Like, was this as big as an orange, or as big as a grapefruit?

2: Oh, I think it was grapefruit sized. It was so good. Bagels are good for you.

1: Yes, I would agree. Now what did you have after the bagel?

2: Um, I left work and when home. And… I had steak and potatoes.

1: Interesting… Well what would you say the serving size of this steak would be? Would it be around a deck of cards or 2?

2: I think it was around 5 decks of cards.

1: …wow… Okay, then what type of potatoes did you have? Fried, mashed, or baked?

2: Mashed, of course.

1: And how much mashed potatoes did you have?

2: What? It was a lot…?

1: I mean, did you have one serving? Two? Or may even three?

2: What? I said that I had a lot.

1: Well, would you say that the size was as big as an orange or a grapefruit?

2: Oh… I would say it’d be as big as a football.

1: …I see. Did you have anything to drink with that meal?

2: Diet Coke. Because it makes you lose weight. It’s like drinking water!

1: I highly doubt that because it is considerably worse than drinking normal Coke. Anything else after that meal?

2: No, that’s it. I went to bed after that.

1: Alright… Well, with your outrageous descriptions of what you “barely ate” yesterday, let me try to see if I can think of any suggestions… For example, how about you lower your coffee consumption from 5 cups to around 1 or 2 cups every 2 days?

2: What? No! Coffee is good for you! I need it so I can work. I cannot function without it!

1: At the current rate that you are consuming these cups of coffee, it might be hard to adapt to lower the serving amount as caffeine is known to be an addictive substance. But it could really help lower sugar levels if you could consume at a respectful manner.

2: But I need my coffee, I drink it throughout the day not all at once! That diet is not going to help my energy levels.

1: If you want to improve energy levels, consider sleeping more hours per night, and going to bed early. Also, can you lower your serving amount with your bagel?

2: Why? It was only one bagel.

1: Yes, I understand that. But you mentioned that the bagel was the size of a grapefruit, and that one serving is equal to the size of an orange. If you want to eat a bagel that big, may I suggest cutting the bagel in half?

2: …Sounds reasonable. I’ll try that.

1: Yet, you won’t cut your coffee portion?

2: I can’t cut it down! I need this coffee!

1: …Well, then may I also suggest cutting portions on your dinner meals? I believe what you ate was too much.

2: But steak is good for protein. I need protein for my muscles.

1: Yes, but meat comes with many limits. For example, too much red meat – like steak or hamburgers – can lead to an increase on cholesterol and plus, considering you are a female, you do not need as much meat as males do, because of your decreased metabolism.

2: But if I don’t eat, I will starve.

1: Your physical appearance could hint you about sparing yourself the honors of eating and to start thinking about using that stored energy.

2: What?

1: I’m saying that you should consider to not eat as much meats and eat more vegetables and go workout at a local gym.

2: What?! Eat more vegetables?! No! That’s what rabbits eat. That’s what deer eat. That’s what vegans eat! I can’t eat vegetables.

1: Ma’am. I can assure you that there is no shame in eating vegetables just because a certain classified group prioritizes a single food group more than another. We get more nutrients from fruits and vegetables, and they have less fat than meats. You can maintain your body weight easier that way.

2: Whatever. Plus, I’m not going to a gym. They always have skinny people there and they will laugh at me.

1: …You. You have to be kidding me. You go to a gym to lose weight. You go to a gym to use stored energy. There’s no reason you shouldn’t go.

2: Sounds hard. But I want to lose 50 pounds in a week, so I can go to a party next week. Is that possible?

1: What? No. That is physically impossible. You can’t do that.

2: I heard that there was some way of losing that much weight instantly… Like surgery or something…

1: That’s completely unhealthy, like very unhealthy. I would not recommend you get surgery.

2: No. I want to lose weight now I think I’ll do surgery.

1: But I don’t think-

2: Put me on a surgery now!

1: It’s very harmful for your health.

2: NOW.

1: …Fine. And don’t come back if you start to have heart problems.