The Walmart Experience

The person labeled “1” is a normal Walmart employee at the EXPRESS LANE. The person labeled “2” is an ignorant customer.

1: Hi! Welcome to Walmart. Did you find everything okay?

2: Hello. No, I did not. You moved everything in the store. Now I couldn’t find what I was looking for.

1: I apologize for that. We usually reorganize our store, so we can feel more organized and cleaner. Also, I’ve noticed that you are bring a lot of items to the express lane… Can you let the people behind you that have only 1 item to be served first?

2: What? No! I was here first. They can wait.

1: Okay, fine. I’ll just start putting your items into bags-

2: No. I brought my own bags from home. I want to save the planet, as you can see.

1: Even though the Earth is being pumped with oil leaks every day, that’s fine. I’ll just grab your items and start scanning.

2: Which reminds me, I need you to check these price matches and coupons for all my items.

1: Are you serious? You first freak out because we’ve remodeled our store, bring an entire cart into the express lane, ask if I could price match everything, and tell me that you brought bags from home, which will slow me down further. And now you’re telling me you have coupons?

2: Yes. I need you to price match everything and even those 20 pieces of clothing I almost curling into a ball due to how full my cart is. Also, there was only, like, 1 guy back at the Deli.

1: I cannot help you with the Deli. I’m not related in that position.

2: It’s still your fault! You work here, don’t you? Also, I have 3 boxes of canned soda under my cart, so you have to help me pull them out.

1: …

2: Do you have a trashcan too? I have some scraps.

1: Yes. You’re in luck, it’s conveniently right here.

2: Also, I forgot to mention that I have a tax exemption card.

1: You’re telling me this now, too?! I’m halfway through your order.

2: I don’t care. Fix it now.

1: Darn it. This is stupid! Well I’ll restart now…

2: Oh yeah, I’m also in a bit of a budget. So, I need to see if I can afford this for $100 or less.

1: This looks like around $300-worth of stuff.

2: Oh yeah. I’m going to ask for you to carry out my cart.

1: …but I just saw you lifting weights.

2: I don’t care. My arms are broken, and you have no proof.

1: You’re surrounded by security cameras left and right… Whatever, fine. I have no proof. And gee wouldn’t you know, it seems you have reached your $100 dollar limit.

2: Is that so? Well, then I’ll see what I can get rid of… Hmm… Well, I don’t need that baby food because I fed my baby recently. And I don’t need that shirt because it looks ugly. I can’t live without my makeup and magazines.

1: …

2: Oh, and I should probably mention that you’re the slowest Walmart cashier I have ever faced. I’m never coming back here. And did you get all of my coupons? I have coupons that say, “buy one get everything else for free” and I have this other coupon that says that you owe me $50.

1: Those aren’t coupons. Those are pictures of Tom Cruise printed off the inter-web. I just wanted to say that I couldn’t meet a person so stupid enough, but you’ve just proved me wrong. Thank you and have a nice day.

2: I’m going to tell on your manager. You’re going to get in trouble! And then I’ll laugh!

1: That’s fine. I really didn’t want this job anymore. And by the way, that’s a janitor.

2: I’m never coming back!

1: Okay. Thank you for shopping at Walmart. Save money, live better. Walmart.