“But I am a Diamond Guest!”

The person labeled “1” is an employee at a local hotel chain. The person labeled “2” is a complaining customer where they have nothing else to do but to complain about the existence of time, rooms, and their special “diamond status”.

1: Hello. Welcome to This Generic Hotel. Are you checking in?

2: Smith. I am a diamond guest. I want an upgrade to the residential suite and the 6:00 PM check-out.

1: I am sorry, Mr. Smith. We are sold out this evening and that suite is reserved. There are no upgrades available. Because of the current availability, I cannot extend the 6:00 PM check-out.

2: But I am a diamond guest!

1: You have mentioned that already. We appreciate your business here, but we do not have the room you want this evening because somebody else has already paid and reserved it.

2: But I am a diamond guest! I am guaranteed the BEST suite!

1: …available. You are only guaranteed the best suite available. At this time, the best room available is the one you are currently reserving now. If you did not want that room, then you probably should have reserved the room you DID want.

2: But I have 3 people with me. And a dog. And a giraffe. And a former-star American idol who must arrive via a helicopter pad.

1: As impressive and horrendously unrealistic as that may sound, it does not change the fact that you do not have any rooms available besides the one you currently have reserved. This hotel does not contain a helicopter pad, nor do we allow any safari animals.

2: I thought this hotel had anything at any time.

1: Yes… But Mr. Smith, there are legal and physical limitations. Did you really think your room would have commendations for a giraffe and helicopter pad at $129 per night?

2: But I am a diamond guest and you had promised me anything at any time! I will not accept anything less.

1: I am sorry. You are right. You are a diamond guest. I will just tell those people paying 10x as much than what you are paying that they have to leave the hotel, so we can commentate you, 3 people, a giraffe, a dog, and a former American idol. And for the helicopter pad, we will send our bellman to Walgreens so we may get the required materials to build one. Then the maintenance team will build it. Give us 20 minutes.

2: Can I check-out at 6 PM?

1: You may check-out at 6 PM, 3 days after your departure date.

2: Really?

1: No. I just want you out of my face.

2: I am going to call corporate and complain about you.

1: That is fine. I would love to be on unemployment because it is the same as what they pay me here AND I do not get to hear people like you complain about their diamond status all-day. Which – by the way – is probably your way for compensating for something.

2: Just check me in. I had a 3-hour flight, and I am tired.

1: Mr. Smith, I will need your picture ID and your credit card number.

2: Why? I am a diamond guest.

1: We need to make sure the correct person is checking-in to the right reservation and that you have the funds to pay for your commendations.

2: I do not understand! I am a diamond guest! None of the other hotels made me do this.

1: Yes, they did. Every hotel in our company does this and the world do, too.

2: Fine! Here is my picture ID.

1: Mr. Smith, do you have a commendation number? There is no reservation for you in our system.

2: That is impossible! My secretary emailed her friend to fill out the reservation for me with a travel agent. I have a reservation at Fort Lauderdale.

1: This location is Miami Beach.

2: Well, can I check-in here?

1: No. We are sold out tonight. I have explained this to you already. Would you like me to arrange transportation to Fort Lauderdale?

2: No! I want to stay here! I am a diamond guest!

*He starts blabbing out random questions. *

1: …I think they are towing your giraffe.